A Favored Prayer of Praise...

Praise be Thou, O Lord my God! Every time I attempt to make mention of Thee, I am hindered by the sublimity of Thy station and the overpowering greatness of Thy might. For were I to praise Thee throughout the length of Thy dominion and the duration of Thy sovereignty, I would find that my praise of Thee can benefit only such as are like unto me, who are themselves Thy creatures, and who have been generated through the power of Thy decree and have been fashioned through the potency of Thy will. And at whatever time my pen ascribeth glory to any one of Thy names, methinks I can hear the voice of its lamentation in its remoteness from Thee, and can recognize its cry because of its separation from Thy Self. I testify that everything other than Thee is but Thy creation and is held in the hollow of Thy hand. To have accepted any act or praise from Thy creatures is but an evidence of the wonders of Thy grace and bountiful favors, and a manisfestation of Thy generosity and providence.

I entreat Thee, O my Lord, by Thy Most Great Name whereby Thou didst separate light from fire, and truth from denial, to send down upon me and such of my loved ones as are in my company the good of this world and of the next. Supply us, then, with Thy wonderous gifts that are hidden from the eyes of men. Thou art, verily, the Fashioner of all creation. No God is there but Thee, the Almighty, the All-Glorious, the Most High.

~Baha'u'llah

I like waking to praise. But I need to start memorizing some prayers and I think I will start with this one. Also, I have been encouraged to begin intoning them with melody - to chant them. Yesterday, I was privileged to hear a wonderful Baha'i singer on MySpace. Her name is Laurie Early and here is the link to her page. I bawled my eyes out when I heard the song she has in dedication to the 17 year old martyr Mona, and the Tablet of Ahmad is simply wonderful!

Reflective Perspective

Last year, I looked at my daughter one day and I was awe struck when it dawned on me that the adoration that seems so natural to me as a mother, was something that no one ever felt for me.

I wondered what it would be like to put her through some things that I have been put through. What would it be like to abandon her to someone I knew was molesting her; what would it be like to take her from the only people in the world who did love her - and punish her for crying for them; what it would be like to make her take all of her meals alone; to take her from a stable environment and ignore her except to scream at her and beat her with household objects like pots, heavy-duty extension chords, brass buckles ... to torment her and then have her locked away once I succeeded in driving her insane from my abuse and hatred - torn away from the opportunities others had fought to make available to her; to look always upon her with venom that couldn't be hidden from the eyes (especially during the periods when alchohol consumption was in play); to teach my other child to harbor the same contempt for her; to teach her to seek out people in her life that would emulate this example.

It is inconceivable. Thinking of it in terms of perpertrating any of that upon my own baby girl really put my entire first phase of life into perspective for me - it was time to close that book, because it was hers, and write one of my own.

It is when I finally grew up. It is remarkable how much control an abusive parent retains over their child/ren when the child has not healed or peeled her- or himself away from the abuse.

Housecleaning had to happen because when one is acclimated to be a victim, one tends to seek out folks who will be just as callous about your feelings ... because you don't feel you deserve any better if even your own mother doesn't give a damn about you.

But I looked at my daughter and I realized that - I don't need a mother because I am a mother. I am a good mother. A very good one in fact, and any mothering that I may need at this stage in life, I can draw from myself.

What's remarkable is how people who you once assumed to be permanent fixtures will weed themselves out of your life once you change internally in this kind of way - which is fine, too. Shocking and painful in some cases, but fine just the same.

Shocking and wonderful in another way, in a good way, is who remains and who has quietly been there for you all the while - and also, the others who come along once room is made for those who would consider you better.

So life is good and life is full. I'm a bit kooky this week from the affects that winter-spring transition always has on me this time of year, but other than that - and other than the thinly veiled attepmts to sabotage and undermine my progress by a vindictive wretch who has an unfortuante history of this pattern of behavior - things are terrific.

There's even a good man sniffing around. Snorting at this point but there's nothing wrong with that!

Lost & Found

I saw that movie August Rush last night. It was incredible. Loved it! May seem strange to someone else, but I was able to relate quite well with that story in terms of being out there on my own as a Baha'i for the past 30 years before realizing that I had always been one all along ... that it was what made me different from the Christians around me. Daddy calls me a red-letter Christian, but it was that I was Baha'i. The one thing besides life Mommy gave me that is truly significant: rearing me as a Baha'i since I was a wee girl. But when I look back on my self as a tiny tiny girl, I believe that I was Baha'i before we even knew what that was.

Serendipitous goodness!

"Oh God, guide me, protect me, illumine the lamp of my heart, and make me a brilliant star. Thou Art the Mighty and the Powerful."
~Abdu'l-Baha